I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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