you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
