Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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