Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
