next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
