***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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