oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
