if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
