Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
