I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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