Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
