I want to walk on stilts...naked
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
