I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
