Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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