anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
