Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
