You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
