Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
home. puking in laundry basket.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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