The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
