Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
