I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
