mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
