I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
