You're my little dorito
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
