Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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