You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
