my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
