i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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