Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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