On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I am morally bankrupt
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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