I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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