You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
