proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
