All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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