Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
MIDGETS
????
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
