sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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