ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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