This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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