I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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