the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
