Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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