I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
