What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
