gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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