I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
