Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
