Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
