I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
