a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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