yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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