Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Text me some of your sweat
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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