Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
