I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my shit smells like andre
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
